By Ken Rossignol
The success of CHEAP SHOTS was assured when during the 1994 election campaign Jack Rue ordered the column to be ended as it was annoying important people. Of course, Rue was himself often mentioned in terms that may not have been beneficial to his campaign for Commissioner President, against Barbara “Babs” Thompson in the GOP Primary. Rue was an important and dynamic part of the magic that made CHEAP SHOTS successful and added greatly to the well-being of our wonderful Tabloid which existed from 1989 until 2010 when it was sold. A short eight months later the new owner wasn’t able to deal with management strife, a national financial crisis, an unbelievable switch from coverage of crime and government to fluff and stuff and poof, he shut down ST. MARY’S TODAY. Should that fine gentleman ever wish to resume publication, you can rest assured he will get whatever assistance he needs from THE CHESAPEAKE TODAY, as the Emptyprize and the phony baloney of the Hambone Gazette hardly inform the community or act as anything approaching real newspapers.
The wonderful reception given to THE CHESAPEAKE TODAY in the past year as we endeavor to provide in-depth news, of all the kinds that the important society barons and matrons of morbidity believe that the public should not be subjected to, are exactly the kind of stories which on the top of our list to provide to our readers.
The cookie cutter malarkey of feel-good foolishness that never mocks anyone, fails to bully public officials into actually being accountable to the citizens or provides pandering to criminals is practiced by the interactive gossip mongrels who allow people to shout at each other in the dark and hide behind anonymous “handles” or false persona’s is encouraged. Hopefully these nattering nabobs of negativism (the best phrase ever uttered by Vice President Spiro Agnew) will continue to allow these bloody assaults by liberals hiding in the dark, afraid to use their real names and be discovered to be the phony and mindless morons that they really are. The robber-barons of the right-wing who captivate the bureaucrats with their bribes, enhancements of their power through ever-increasing rules and regulations for them to impose on the middle income taxpayers while they escape those rules due to crony capitalism practiced throughout Maryland and other nearby areas run by the whacko Democrats encourage long run-on sentences as this writer cannot stop thinking of ways to dump on them and at the same time follow appropriate rules of grammar and punctuation. You get the point. They are bozos and I don’t like them.
As Jack Rue used to refer to you, “Dear Readers” are the reason and purpose of our existence in The Chesapeake Today.
Your purchase of the newspapers on newsstands helps keep this rag alive more than you know and your support of our advertisers assures that there will be another day.
As the headline to this column advertised, this is a special edition of CHEAP SHOTS.
Our old pal Charlie Hall kicked the bucket and he was a real-life part of the political fabric of St. Mary’s County. He typified Americans across the land who did politics the old-fashioned way, in person, real time, real coffee and would be conversant about virtually anything while he went about pursuing a commitment to promise a vote for the candidate for whom he was working.
About twelve years ago, the first exposure of Charlie Hall’s Politics Shed was revealed in CHEAP SHOTS. Charlie’s tutelage of young-uns about the world of politics was important for him to be able to achieve his goals. Learning about politics from the nimrods who teach the topic in public schools was hopeless. What do they know about politics in real life? All the union does is order lots of extra-size tee shirts in bright colors, bigger and bigger each year, and show up at budget hearings and make demands. That’s not politics, that’s public tantrums and Hope Swann would have kicked their ample butts were she still around. Ms. Swann would simply have grabbed that bully bozo Todd Morgan by the ear and dragged his boozy and woozy butt out into the parking lot and lit him up for his awful behavior this year.
Dr. Martirano does a great job and has lifted up the sorry St. Mary’s Public School system to being one of the best in the Mid-Atlantic States. He has to deal with yahoos on his school board and now it appears that two more whiffle-ball brains may be elected this to replace Dr. Raspa and Brooke Matthews. Sal is taking a hike and Brooke is running but anything is possible. Marilyn Crosby is a nice lady but she lost part of her deck years ago. Hopefully, she might draw a new hand. Kathy and Mary have the capability to do right, they need to do it. On Tommy McKay’s Facebook page is an entry from Rita Weaver and her husband thanking McKay for teaching them about politics. That is a heart-stopper right there and the ballot should be searched for an alternative or just write in Donald Duck.
Sal Raspa should be publicly flogged for abandoning ship as he kept the school system together. The financial mess was a real surprise to Dr. Martirano who fired the clown on the spot who allowed it to happen, at the moment he learned of the disaster.
The Superintendent then became the object of a blast and bully tactics from Todd Morgan. Only Larry Jarboe came to his defense and looked for solutions.
The ineptness and critical recklessness of the county government was shown when they allowed an information release to this newspaper to include the Social Security numbers of each employee of the Sheriff’s Department, including that of Sheriff Cameron.
Thus the pompous posing of being a financial guru by Todd Morgan and Elaine Kramer showed them for what they are.
How could they have been so stupid as to provide everyone’s Social Security numbers? The packet of paperwork could easily have been taken to the county transfer station and discarded in the recycling container at St. Andrews Road. Then a truck would have picked up the container and taken it to a sorting facility where illegal aliens working for the Mafia garbage company would have spotted them and hit the big time by selling off over 300 Social Security numbers for cops and clerks of the Sheriff.
That is what might have happened so when you look at the big wheels in County Government, who make the big salaries and walk around and treat many others like they are beneath them, remember what bozos they really can be. But enough about bashing the high-paid denizens of Bureaucracy in the Walled City of Leonardtown.
All right, it’s never enough, but we must move on.
Just in case the NSA is peeking at this column, the following admonition is given to the general public. At the earliest opportunity, the public should rise up, seize control of Leonard Hall and the Government, cut off the heads of the bozos in charge and parade them around on pikes with torches as a warning to those who follow them in office, that you are mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.
Lucky for those twits in DC that we don’t bother with them but Tom Clancy’s book where terrorists hijack a cargo plane and fly it into the Capitol during a joint session of Congress remains my favorite part of any book.
Now that this rant is over, remember, only The Shadow knows for sure and news has been delivered here that there is imposter afoot in the region pretending to be THE SHADOW. Woe unto the faker.
Now two special editions of Charlie Hall’s Politics Shed along with the final edition which Charlie requested be held until after his expiration.
Fritz Has a Job, Why Do We Have to Make Him Judge?
“Charlie, the boys down at Capt. Sam’s have a few more questions,” said Chester D. Hawthorne as he picked up Charlie Hall’s bottle of Jack Daniels and topped off his coffee cup.
“Now damnit all, Chester, you cost me a full bottle every week that this campaign is going on, it ain’t like it used to be when I could keep up with you young’uns,” said Charlie. “I have been working to get Rick in office and I am really kinda tuckered out, it’s time to go to Florida, maybe do a little duck hunting or even get on a plane and go to Vegas. I sure miss Larry, we would be out to a horse sale in this cold weather and miss this lousy ice and snow, and those were the days.”
“Now Charlie, my family and my friends want to know why we have to give up a state’s attorney who does everything we need to get straight with the law and give him a fat job of judge,” said Chester. “He’s got a job that most of us can only see by going down to his house to do some work for him or by watching TV. He makes $100,000 a year and has a gravy job for his old lady right there in his office, she makes damn near as much as him. He is right there with a big pension and all them gummit benefits, gets a couple months off work, and when he goes to work, he doesn’t do anything but take calls taking care of favors for us good old boys. What a life, why does he want to leave that job and why do we have to give up a dependable Mr. Fixit and take a chance on getting some stuffed shirt like Teddy Weiner in his place?”
“Now, look, Rick has been good to you and your family and he is just asking for your support in return, you owe him, Chester,” said Charlie, “and I don’t think it’s fair to be playing hard to get.”
“But if he is running for election every four years he’ll still remember us,” said Chester, “ if he gets that judge job, he’ll never know us again, unless he wants someone to drop off a bushel of crabs on his back porch, ring the bell and get the hell out. His old lady doesn’t take too kindly for our kind hanging around to have a beer with Rick, its’ just drop off the crabs or oysters and clear out quick, boy does she have an attitude to working men.”
“Now if Teddy gets the job when Rick wins the election, I’ll be working for Teddy taking care of political business, just like always,” said Charlie.
“I can handle that Weiner kid, Chester, he is kinda stuck up but he’s smart enough to know where his bread is buttered and his old man is still sharp as a tack and tells him what to do. If the Judge kicks the bucket, his brother John will take over, John has good common sense and will keep Teddy from getting too silly.”
“But Charlie, what if Shane Mattingly gets the job?” said Chester. “That kid is really Little Lord Fauntleroy, he was born with a BMW in his garage and it was bad enough he was a snooty rich kid, now he became a dadgum Republican. He lords it over folks all the time, saying he is the boss of the Republican Party.”
“Now Chester, get a grip, we haven’t won this election yet, it looks good, but that Dugan is coming on strong, he could really throw a wrench into the works,”
“Well, what the hell is the paper going to do when it finds out that Anne Emery is having a shindig for Abrams,” said Chester. “This whole election is like some damn throwback to the old days when everyone was holding hands and knifing each other in the back at the same time.”
“Just you get your votes lined up for Rick and there won’t be any trouble for you, Chester,” said Charlie. “I have plenty of get out of jail free cards for undersize crabs and too many rockfish. Plenty of ducks and geese and deer, all the things that good old boys like to catch and hunt and not worry about keeping count or measuring.”
“Well you sure are convincing,” said Chester. “We could use some ditches cleaned out and our road paved,” said Chester.
“Now look, we took care of you before, it’s time to rock and roll,” said Charlie.
An Old Fashioned Butt Whoopin’
The following is an illegal transcript of the regular meeting of the Good Old Boys in Charlie Hall’s Politics Shed.
It is a violation of Maryland’s wiretap law to read this material. You have been warned.
“Charlie, the boys down at Capt. Sam’s want you to make sure you tell Rick that we voted for him,” said Chester D. Hawthorne, “it was the womenfolk who screwed him, or make that — didn’t vote for him.”
“Now Chester,” said Charlie. “We have to figure out whether or not to talk to Rick right now, he is a little mad, in fact, he is damn mad, he shot his dawg, cut down all of his tenant farmer’s winter wheat and ran over a whole flock of sheep on a crazy sweep with his truck through his farm. There’s a whole pile of Abrams signs in his barn next to the stack of that damn Rag, they are just waitin’ for a good day for a bonfire and they are gonna burn plenty of stuff.”
“Does that mean that Rick won’t be cutting us boy’s deals for when we get a little too lickered up and paint the town,” asked Chester.
“Now look Chester,” said Charlie. “I told you I was in charge of the politics, I am the one Rick leans on to advise him, to set him straight, to keep him out of trouble with those damn DNR cops who are always poking around when we go hunting, I will see to it that you boys get the help you need when you get in trouble. Rick is just out of sorts right now, the damn women folk got their hind parts up in the air and they really handed his a—to him, they were a bunch of mean spiteful wenches and they had their way with him.”
“Now Charlie, that is strong talk, you don’t really mean that do you?” said Chester.
“No, you’re right, Chester, you can’t blame the women for getting even with Rick for everything he has said about that girl back in high school,” said Charlie. “We all know about situations like that and if he had only apologized to her publicly, all the steam woulda been outa that engine a long time ago, but he didn’t and he lost the election because of it, that and that damn Rag.”
“Which Rag, Charlie,” asked Chester, “we heard Rick was blaming the Emptyprize for his defeat, he really took a beating, he couldn’t even get his own party to vote for him, I mean, Charlie, what the hell was with that?”
“We can’t give credit to the Rag for whipping Rick,” said Charlie. “It was the Emptyprize, at least we gotta say that. Everybody knows the truth, but we gotta keep up appearances for Rick.
He really wanted to be Judge, now he’ll be lucky to keep the job he’s got. But don’t tell the boys that, in fact, Danny Raley and Mattingly were right, the vote showed how much folks wanted to keep Rick as States Attorney, that they went out to the polls and creamed him, it weren’t even close. He did a great job, they just said, shucks, keep him right where he is, and he will be back around in two years looking for more support and he will do us more favors.”
“The boys down at Capt. Sam’s are saying Rick lost because of his shady dealings with all the drug dealers, letting them out on plea deals, dropping charges, winking, blinking and noddin’, I don’t know for sure, Charlie, but that’s what they’re saying,” said Chester. “They say he got an old-fashioned ass whipping from the women, they really handed him one. But why do Raley and Mattingly say such stupid stuff?”
“They are just country boys trying to be city slickers,” said Charlie. “They call it sophisticated or some damn thing. They get up there and talk big, put on airs and act like they are something when they get to be commissioners.”
“But now all the women are getting kinda uppity, they are saying we should pay our child support, bring home our paychecks and help clean the damn house,” said Chester. “You see what kind of crap has started around here, and the boys down at Capt. Sam’s are blaming Rick Fritz. The women are getting on their high-horses and are being a royal pain. Why do we have to listen to this ignorant talk from our women, just cause they won an election.”
“Now Chester, just settle down, we still have Rick in his job, at least for 2 years, and we need to get all the help we can out of him cause he will some kinda break bad. “
“Is it true Charlie that the Chesser woman will whip Rick for States Attorney?” asked Chester.
“I used to think I knew something about politics, Chester, but I don’t know anymore,” said Charlie. “It’s really getting kinda hot in here since we filled up all the cracks in the wall with the leftover pipe insulation.”
“Well, I never saw so many signs in my life, we gave out all the miniatures to Booby-Grease-My-Palm and I swear he kept them to serve at his next daughter’s wedding,” said Chester.
“Rick had everyone in his corner for the last two elections and then that uppity woman got the nod from the Governor, it all upset everything we have worked for over the years.
We had the Sheriff and now we have this Pollock as Sheriff instead of good old Dick Voorhaar,” said Charlie. “But it could have been worse, we now have a sore loser as states attorney, it could have been we had that stuck up Teddy Weiner in as prosecutor, that woulda been tough.
Its all cash with him, there woulda been nothing we could do for poor folks. If they didn’t have money, Teddy wouldn’t be interested. Legal stuff, you know, donations to this, donations to that, his campaign, his special drug fund, all legal. It woulda been real hell.”
“Charlie, I’m leaving, the boys down at Capt. Sam’s want me to come back and tell them why they should go out and get hooked up with Shane Mattingly, he’s telling folks he is the future, some of the boys like that Dugan guy, it’s a whole new ball game.”
“Just don’t get excited Charlie, politics is really fluid, maybe Rick will give this up and decide he wants to be Senator, he could beat Dyson, nobody good has ever run against him.
The Last Word
“All my life I have been working for the silk-slipper crowd and carrying their water. They paid me well and I earned a good living tending to all manner of tasks for my friends in politics. But since I dedicated my Politics Shed to providing an education and understanding for young-uns, most of whom never bothered to pay attention in high school or spent too much time on the water, here are a few last words.
“I never wanted Hambone to be one of my pall bearers, it was my family’s idea and you know when your family gets it in their minds to do something, especially making all my final arrangements so I can approve them before I pass on to the great time ahead of me at St. Peter’s side, I just caved. But I was able to sneak out The Last Word to CHEAP SHOTS for Charlie Hall’s Politics Shed.
“So I’m stuck with Hambone and lets just hope the mope doesn’t let loose of my coffin in order to rush over and shake hands with a voter. I am still steamed that Mattingley’s couldn’t have my funeral on Election Day, it would have been perfect for me, given how I have always been a big booster of elections.
“I did hear about how that twit David Willenborg was running his mouth about how my absentee ballot won’t count as I died before Election Day. I am some kind of going to pay a visit to his house and kick his butt down some stairs, they can just say a Ghost Busted him. The nerve of that whack-job to deny me my final vote just cause McKay said I was supporting him. I always supported his Daddy but if Hambone thinks I would actually vote for him then he must be able to make Hambone’s fly. I voted for Puff and I hope everyone else does too. And I voted for Larry Jarboe too.
“As for Fritz, I am so through with him. He was never as good as Walter, or as smart as Walter and the things he expected me to take care of for him. I have to say that Walter Dorsey was honest to the bone and well, you all know about how squirrely Rick can be. Truthfully, I was happy to see Karen beat him for Judge, we got to keep our Fixer for the boys who didn’t pay their child support, got DUI’s or busted for bar fights and poaching. That special prosecutor they started sending around the state to take over prosecution of all NRP arrests really put a cramp in Fritz’s style. The boys are all wondering how to deliver crabs and oysters to the Attorney General, and frankly I don’t know.
“I am going to miss my family, they are the best and I know the community and our friends will watch out for them. I have to go now and see if there is anyone around Heaven that I know or they all went the other direction…I don’t see why one little trip to San Juan would have meant any eternal punishment for Dick and Larry. Oh well, its not up to me. I know Walter will be there with St. Peter, as he was an honest man with the best legal mind in Maryland. But now you know straight from the horse’s mouth, it sure as heck wasn’t my idea to have Hambone as one of my pallbearers. Rick is okay as I want to give him a lot of visibility as this is election year, but honestly I think Shane is going to clean his clock as the women-folk are really finding out more all the time about the-you-know-what. God Bless you all.”— Charlie.